BARBER ANSWER for GITMO

NATIONAL SECURITY UPDATE

Gitmo Al-Qaeda & Taliban Either Talk or They See Gary

ELEVATOR VERSION

It’s come to my attention that the Guantanamo Military Prison for terrorists is probably going to shut down and ship off the prisoners to foreign jails. On inmate is suing to stay IN prison for fear of what will happen to him if sent to his home country, Algeria. There has been some whining about the unfair treatment of the Caribbean located Taliban and Al Qaeda suspects; and the complaining has to do with possible American “torture” tactics.

Let’s see… they are gaining weight at an average of 25 pounds per year, eat three square meals a day. They get prayer rites, worship books, exercise… year round good weather… They are alive and before they got there they wanted to die trying to kill Americans… Hmmm. They have clean running water and flushing toilets, unlike their caves in Afghanistan, and the tactics said to cause them to break? They have included daily vanilla ice cream servings in portions to choke a horse and being subjected to listening to the rock music enjoyed by their US Marine guards.

I admit, the music would get to me too. But then, they'd probably lose their minds if I was their guard. They'd be listening to Barry Manilow. So I can sort of see why the ACLU and international groups scream "torture." So... I have the answer to the flap about US involvement in “questionable” interrogation of Al Qaeda, Taliban, et al. I’m certain it will work. Besides it could save their lives – they wouldn’t have to be sent back to their home countries!

I’ve tested the system myself hundreds of times over the years. We don’t need to torture them we just need to send them to a friend of mine.

The answer is in “Gary’s Chair of Truth.”

STAIRCASE VERSION

Gary is now retired, but might be persuaded to get “back in the game” for the right amount of money. Gary, like all good barbers, does two things well. He cuts your hair, makes you feel comfortable while he is doing it, and extracts information you wouldn’t give at a polygraph test.

Essentially, Gary, the capable manipulator of the scalp sculpturing tools, has had forty years of this asking questions stuff and has heard it all. He can detect the truth, and knows how to reframe a question if you give him an answer that seems to fudge a bit. In fact, you might have a hard time getting out of his chair if he doesn’t hear what he wants to hear. He uses tactics like scalp massage, the rapid clipper snap, the “little more off the top?” question, that makes you feel he really is in control for those fifteen minutes.

See… Just like millions of other men, I like going to someone who will shave my balding head with skill, and is time-tested trustworthy. I go to Gary’s shop because he is courteous and always makes me feel like I’m the only person who he cares about when the clippers or razor are in his skilled hands.

I have been going off and on to Gary since I was 19 years old (1972.) He has never hurt me, nor let my gradually thinning head down. But, when I’m in his chair I lose control. He’s got the scissors, razors, and clippers, and I am at his mercy. The risk of bloodshed isn't far away, yet somehow I know Gary will not let it happen to me.

GARY’S CHAIR OF TRUTH: And here’s the rub – why I know Gary can get information from anyone. I’ve raised my hand three times to defend the Constitution, worked right out of High School with a high level security clearance at a federal job, and have never “broken down” on sworn to secrecy with anyone else, but Gary.

I never mean to “spill the beans” when I go there. In fact, I always remind myself to force Gary to wonder about what I’m doing in my life, how my kids are, what they are doing, what my wife thinks about something, how my business is going, if I still believe in God, and what I think about upcoming elections, football games, or the military situation from Vietnam to the present day. Each time I go there, I recall the prior visit and how uncomfortable I felt about myself running off at the mouth, as if Gary had some control over my mind as he runs the electric clippers close to my ears.

Not that I don’t like Gary, just that I like to keep my secrets, “secret.” So is it the “Chair of Truth” or Gary that “makes me talk?”

He has a way about getting information, and I suppose he learned it in Barber School, (or maybe it is how he holds the shaving razor in his hand and uses a leather strap to sharpen it before he trims the neck hair.) I swear that I will never speak, after the last session. I mean, I ask myself as I walked to my car after the last haircut, “Who does Gary think he is? A shrink? A psychologist? An analyst? Why should I tell my entire life story to a barber?” Well, the truth is, I shouldn’t… But I do.

So… If we are going to surrender to the ACLU types, or whiners who ring their hands over the mistreated weight-gaining enemy sworn to our destruction down in the Caribbean, we give the prisoners at Gitmo one of two options:

Option 1:

They can go to a prison in their country of origin (any Arab country will do) where the notorious prison interrogators apply different methods of “extracting” information than three square meals a day, ice cream, the sun, sea, and US rock music... OR…

Option 2:

They get haircuts from Gary everyday for the rest of their lives until they talk. Then they get the ice cream.